Recently, Minerva and I got the chance to try out some new products from the UK-based manufacturer,
Rocks-Off! They have a fabulous new line of items in some unusual designs (including a vibrator shaped like a unicorn horn -- magical!), and we each got the chance to pick out a few goodies for ourselves. Rocks-Off is an old faithful in the sex toy industry due to their emphasis on body-safe materials at accessible prices, and they are a wonderful company to work with. They have a wide range of pretty much everything -- bullet vibes of pretty much every shape and colour, varied toy sets, and even entirely body-safe options for penis toys as well. We got our parcel posted directly to us at work and specifically asked for a discreet shipping label, so uh,
this was it I guess. After a good lol, we were pretty stoked to finally test out some of their new products, which are primarily metallic in finish and look quite beautiful.
With this particular round of product reviews, Minerva and I decided to push ourselves and try out some different sensations. I selected a product by the name of 'Love In Chains' – a rather edgy-looking
kegel trainer that looks a bit like a handcuff attached to a ball-and-chain setup, except for your vagina. Initially I considered requesting the
Golden Balls, a similar product with a single smooth silicone cord instead of the chain effect, but then I thought, “Hey! Push yourself! Try something new!” I already have two sets of
kegel balls; it seemed a good time to expand. Plus, the Love In Chains looks pretty cool, or maybe that's just me -- black and silver is sort of my thing, and while I was a bit leery of the chain (won't it be uncomfortable? What if it's hard to clean?), I was confident that the manufacturer would have worked around these potential issues.
… I have some regrets.
Aesthetically, the Love In Chains looks pretty great. I feel like fans of kink might enjoy the novelty of a kegel trainer that looks a bit edgy, but for me, the size of the item itself provoked marginal concern. The retrieval pull-tag (for lack of a better description) is huge – easily the size of the gap made by closing my thumb and forefinger, but shaped a bit like the planchette from an Ouija board. Likewise, the links of the silicone chain are about the thickness of my pinkie. It all just seemed so cumbersome and disagreeable, and I wondered if they would even do anything for me. Then I lifted them out their moulded plastic housing. Woop, there it is – those things are heavy! The balls aren’t coated plastic; they’re actual steel and are a fairly hefty 140 grams – heavier than the
Ami+ which had challenged me so in the past. Basically, my primary first impression was that of “Ohhh I’m in trouble.”
Turns out, inserting the Love In Chains isn’t particularly difficult. You
lube them up as usual and just feed the chain in. I did find the removal tag a bit inconvenient, as expected – I struggled to arrange it in a way that it wouldn’t pinch or slip out the side of my underwear and smack me on the thigh, or get all weirdly caught when I sat down. The tag seems to sit awkwardly on the gusset of my underwear because it wants to flip sideways when my not-particularly-hefty-but-still-touching thighs slide together as I walk. Unless it magically stays put when you position it on your mons, you’re gonna have a bad time.
The chain itself gave me no issues during insertion -- well, less than you’d expect. You sort of feed it in link by link and it’s a bit ungainly until you can push the second ball in, but that’s not the issue. The issue is the way it chafes and irritates your vaginal opening. This wasn’t too noticeable the first time I tried it under a pair of stockings that helped keep everything in place, and it wasn’t too bad. But I don’t really know what I was doing that day – cleaning the house, as far as I remember; having coffee with a friend. But I don’t recall feeling as uncomfortable as the Love In Chains has made me of late. The most recent time I wore them, I felt raw and very conscious of what was happening – I couldn’t wait to get home to remove them. As impractical as the large tag is (always moving around, either too low or too close to the edge of my underwear), the textured chain creates the kind of discomfort around your vaginal entrance that you can’t quite forget as you move through your day. Even sitting is a hack – the tag might pinch your labia or twist sideways from thigh-splooge, and the added pressure can make the chain’s presence even more noticeable.
Unfortunately, because the silicone links are constructed to closely mimic a real chain, they have some wiggle room to bunch and move within each other, which leads to additional, internal pinching. Yep. I was forcibly reminded of Bex’s
adventures in chain fisting, in which they describe vaginally inserting FIVE FEET OF STAINLESS STEEL CHAIN to work up to being fisted, and the unpleasant reality of the pinching. Me, I just reread that article and did a private slow-clap. The soft, flexible silicone ‘chain’ of these kegel balls was a bit hectic for me, but there are true pioneers out there in the world.
In terms of usage, I feel like the Love In Chains kegel balls are heavy enough for a decent pelvic floor workout, but I struggle to find the motivation to use them. They’re just disagreeable enough to discourage use except in just the right situation – I need to be at home in case I want to remove them, but can’t be sitting down too much due to the chafing effect on my vaginal entrance. So I’m pretty much restricted to using them once a week while cleaning the house, and even then it can’t be during the tender pre/post-menstrual cycle.
The final stroke for this product was cleanup. It turned out that my initial fears were entirely founded – the silicone cord doesn’t make perfect contact with the inside of the balls, allowing gunk, lube, and fluids to collect and dry in there. After a few uses I decided to take a closer look and stretch the chain a bit to see what was in there, and CRUST-FLAKES fell out.
Large crust-flakes. I felt my gut twitch with revulsion. This is
exactly what you
do not want for
anything that's used internally; and yes, my italics usage is excessive but you don't understand the little micro-history I saw in those crust-flakes. There were even slightly orangey-tinted ones from when I used the balls after finishing my
period.
This was the final straw in the review -- I am
not a fan of anything that can't be adequately cleaned. Even products that require a toothbrush scrub feel like too much effort. If each ball had been flanked by a stopper of sorts,
exactly like their other, very similar product, it probably would have been okay. But they aren't, and this seems like a woefully avoidable design flaw. What would it take to properly clean the Love In Chains kegel balls? I don't know dude. Even a pipe-cleaner might be too large; you'd probably have to boil or bleach them with each use and just hope it nukes whatever crusties lie hidden inside. And I am not down with that.
Stay safe, everyone, and look after your bods!
Unfortunately, I can't recommend this product despite its indubitably cool aesthetic. It's just not easy to wear, and the possibility of latent bacteria-trap being willingly inserted into someone's body doesn't sound like a fun time. However, I was pretty stoked to try something entirely new. Thanks,
Rocks-Off! Check out their product line, or just say hi to them on social media.
