Story Time: Some Thoughts on Catcalling

There's nothing in this post that hasn't been said before, but the nature of echo chambers is that they reflect back into themselves. Despite this, I feel as if I have some controversial opinions regarding why catcalling happens. Are you ready?

 

I believe that I have a degree of control over how much negative attention my body garners in public.

Not super ground-breaking but it's an unusual attitude to have in the sex-blogging community, which is by its nature focused on consent and self-defined intent. The attitude in this contemporary, leftist, 'progressive' community is that you should be able to walk around nude or entirely covered-up and not be shamed either way. Bodily autonomy is paramount

As we all know, this is not the case. I find that I can predict when I will get the most attention, based on the most arbitrary things. Mostly, it's clothing – no brainer there. This is more or less expected in warmer weather, when shirts get strappier and shorts come into play. However, I'm certain that many of us have stories of being catcalled when fully covered-up. I was once approached by a man while wearing a full winter coat, heavy boots, hands jammed in my pockets, a woolly hat, and a scarf drawn across my face. It was snowing and my face was cold – the only part of my body visible were my eyes, yet a stranger still called out to me to inform me that I was beautiful and intelligent and I should go to a club with him. Mild, as catcalling goes; but the fact remains that I was fully covered – and still received attention.

Recently, my partner and I walked past a high school during break-time. It was summer; I was wearing shorts and a vest with a high neckline. My arms and legs were bare, but I also had knee-socks on. I think it was the socks that did it. The kids started yelling some vile stuff, which my partner and I ignored. What else could we do? The mock-defiance I usually try to portray by yelling back, throwing middle fingers, and (on occasions in which people try to get my attention by calling me like a cat) barking loudly would not have helped in that situation. It was weirdly disempowering – these high school kids were making me feel so uncomfortable by yelling some pretty unpleasant things, and it was doubly shameful because they were children and I was the adult. Locked behind the school gates, any retaliatory actions on my part would have seemed weak and devoid of any consequence. Threats are empty when there are more of them than there are of you, when they're fixed in the same spot and you're forced to be the one who walks away while they watch, when there is a physical barrier separating you. What can you do in that situation? Yell back and have your voice drowned out by the pack? Throw up a double middle-finger salute to a group of children? What does your male partner do? Threaten them through the fence?

It's impossible.

Once, I did my hair as inspired by this image -- loose, messy pigtails that I wore to work. And I knew it would be the hair that got me noticed. When I popped out in my lunch break and walked past some people doing construction, I knew I was about to happen – I was about to get catcalled.

I waited for it, ignoring repeated attempts to get my attention, and finally one person called out "Nice fringe!" While this is likely the oddest catcalling experience I've had, it reinforced my feeling that, to an extent, this is within my control. I can choose when I get noticed.

The whole idea is fallible, of course, but it is an obvious conclusion to come to. However, when even a hairstyle can get (harmless, but still unwanted) attention, it's difficult to imagine always being able to predict what will get me noticed by catcallers. It's difficult to imagine that my actions have no effect on the attention I receive. It was the socks, I tell myself afterwards. The knee-high socks I wear to cover up my unshaven shins – that's what got me noticed. It must have been my hair, or that skirt, it must have been because I was wearing lipstick that day, or due to the unexpected magic of a slept-in French braid that looked artfully-tousled rather than just plain messy.

The basic message is that it was something I did. It was because I didn't make myself nondescript enough. It was me. It's my fault.

It's not the case, but it feels true.

♡   Heart graphics created via Cryptogram   ♡

 

Review: "Drawn to Sex" Sex Ed Comics

I've been a fan of Oh Joy Sex Toy since I stumbled across their super useful explanation of emergency contraception about three years ago. I really enjoyed the friendly, pink aesthetic (hey, I'm a femme at heart and I will fight you with glitter) as well as the actual information provided. So I went to see if there were any other educational strips about body stuff. Instead, I found sex toy reviews. A lot of them.

Some were pretty hilarious in content, some gave me a good giggle due to the visuals (husband and wife team Erika and Matt are often depicted as riding giant dildos or genitalia), but I always found the content interesting and engaging. When I first discovered the site, Erika and Matt had sort of just started out and their focus was almost entirely toy reviews. At that stage I was still working through some internalised sex-negative thinking and pretty much just starting my journey in unlearning some damaging beliefs, and the toy-related content made me a bit uncomfortable sometimes. I scrolled through the OJST site wishing for more informative and nerdy comics that I wouldn't feel guilty for looking at.

I've come a far way since then, but that dream has finally come true! Erika and Matt have finally released their third, entirely educational compilation and it is GLORIOUS. The book collects a bunch of their more factual comics into print, with topics including masturbation, partnered sex, safer sex, and ideas surrounding the way sexuality is conceptualised in our culture. All of it is realised in Erika's signature realistic-yet-uncomplicated linework illustrations and Matt's stellar choices in colour palette that range from soft pink marshmallow to gentle greys and blues. For those unfamiliar with their work, the OJST comics depict such an inclusive intersectional array of characters with huge variety in body types, relationships, gender presentation, races, body modification, and disabilities that it is likely you will find at least one person that you see and think "Oh! that one looks a bit like me!"

In case you didn't realise, this is wonderful  for self-image and body-positive feels. Representation matters! Especially with matters pertaining to sexuality, because sexuality has so many intersecting factors. Imagine a Venn diagram with a bunch of overlapping circles -- gender, self-image, personal expression, how people relate to each other, social status, cultural norms -- with sexuality right in the centre. Even if you opt out (eg, you're on the asexual spectrum), your sexuality and how you approach it really has a huge impact on how you negotiate the world.

But the style of OJST comics has been discussed before and I think we can all agree that it is fabulous. Let's move along to the sex ed stuff.

The collection begins with a forward explaining the parameters and scope of the comics included, of which it is very important to note that they "serve as a quick introduction to subjects that have much more depth to them than [the authors] have the space to include." It means that the book itself is a great starting point or primer for someone just wanting a nonthreatening introduction into some educational topics, but it will point you in the direction of external resources such as Planned Parenthood and Scarleteen for more in-depth self-study. I really liked the way that the chapters were staggered, starting by outlining basic concepts such as "what counts as sex?" before diving into stuff like safer sex supplies and interpersonal relations.

I think one of my most favourite comics was the one on consent, which provided examples of fun ways to discuss what you want to get out of a sexual encounter and demonstrates how you can say 'no' to certain activities but 'yes!' to others. I also really liked how physical cues were emphasised as well as an enthusiastic, verbal 'yes' -- "if [your partner is] looking unhappy, sounding pained, or freezing up, it's time to pause and ask what's up." This is an important thing to remember for young people who may not feel fully confident about verbalising their desires just yet.

I also really enjoyed their guide to sexting, which had an emphasis on the fun, flirty aspect of it while also noting any safety precautions you could take to protect your identity. However, the authors make sure to mention the etiquette of the receiver of said sexts as well. As comic-Erika says, "[Your partner] shared that [image] with you as an act of intimacy and trust, but you do not own their body, and making it available (even photos of it) without their consent is not only a sexual violation but also means that you are a garbage person." Well said, indeed!

Importantly, the book also discusses a buuuuunch of contraceptive methods for pregnancy-free sex, and as a person who has struggled with hormonal contraception in my own life, I enjoyed the way that the comics were upfront about the efficacy/practicality dance that we all have to do when taking hormonal birth control. Erika and Matt's comics tell you right off the bat that certain BC methods might not be right for you, instead of acting as if bodies aren't different. The first hormonal method discussed in the collection is the infamous Pill -- the most ubiquitous of birth control. The little cartoon Erika makes it clear that the Pill didn't work for her, but it may for you. And hey, if not, there are ways to work around it without the use of hormones.

Overall, it is unsurprising that I thoroughly relished this collection despite having read most of it online before. The careful curation of the comics combined with their friendly tone and frank depictions of joyful sexual expression makes Drawn to Sex a wonderful gift for a young person in your life, but I do feel it may be prudent to stick to the 'ages 16 and up' guideline on the cover -- the book does depict explicit sex acts (in an educational, pastel-pink kind of way, but it's still totally happening), so younger teens may feel a touch overwhelmed by all the analingus. Nevertheless, I think Drawn to Sex is wonderful, and would be a must for any sex educator to have on their shelf.

If you want a copy, you should totally back their Kickstarter or ask a local bookstore to order some stock -- it will be worth it! You can also support Erika and Matt through Patreon so that they can keep doing what they do best.

Website  ♡  Kickstarter  ♡  Patreon  ♡  Erika's Twitter  ♡  Matt's Twitter

 

Review: Satisfyer Pro Plus Vibration

 So I don't know if you've heard but we've worked with Satisfyer a whole bunch and they are lovely. When their rep, Sally, reached out to us about trying out the new range, we were stoked -- the line combines their brand's trademark suction with the classic sex toy staple of vibration. And this is how I got my calloused little fingers on the aptly-named Pro Plus Vibration.

First impressions? Well, the boomerang-shaped design is apparently ergonomic, which I am still a bit mystified by. I can't really think of why this is more functional than, say, the next generation Penguin or the Pro 2 -- personally, I think the designers just wanted something striking that would visually separate it from the rest of their product range. I still find the Penguin easiest to position accurately, due to its short, compact size and rounded body. It's the suction toy I reach for most, and yet it has the smallest nozzle-opening out of all the Satisfyer toys I've tried so far, which basically means that the surface area available for clitoral suction is more limited. Despite this, I've found it quick to place and simple hold steady even hands free, and (unlike Minerva) I don't even have the most thunderous of thighs to anchor it in place.

Secondly, the vibrations of this toy are loud. Like, way loud. The suction function is at about the same volume as the rest of the line, but switching to vibration-mode is a different story. It starts out fairly sedate but ramps up to a tinny, buzzing whirr that definitely announces "Oh hi, I am using a sex toy because it's 10.30 in the evening and the sound you're hearing is definitely not power tools" to everyone in the next room. Realistically, it would probably be fine if you have a thick duvet to muffle it with, but alas, a thin fluffy comforter just won't cut it. So basically, my housemates have probably heard a thing or two. Which is fine, I guess, but personally I am more likely to use this toy when I'm home alone.

The Pro Plus Vibration has a nice wide nozzle opening and therefore, theoretically, has a decent area range -- and yet I often really struggle to get the positioning quite right. I don't know if it's the nozzle or the shape of the toy that make it hard to adjust, but I battle to position this toy in a way that makes sense for my body. The first ten minutes of using the Pro Plus Vibration is always just lifting it and placing it and lifting and placing and moving and shifting a little up, a little down, trying to get it to a place that feels consistently good, but never quite get there. It may be the long spout/barrel area -- the nozzle-end of the boomerang is long enough for me to shove almost the entire length of my pinkie into without even reaching the end, and I just feel like that's unnecessarily long? Like, okay, I'm making a lot of comparisons to the Penguin here but I really find it the easiest to use, and the spout/barrel/head of the Penguin is a fraction of the size. The diminutive dimensions just seem less liable to get in the way of fleshy thighs, making those position adjustments less likely to be necessary.

In terms of suction intensity, it's comparable to the rest of the range. I would say that the smaller nozzle area of the Penguin makes the sensation feel more 'concentrated,' but the strength feels the same in the Pro Plus Vibe. I switched between the two of them, just using them on my arm with my eyes closed, and the difference is minimal with regards to power.

But hey, you're not here to hear how two suction toys are similar -- you want to know what's new and fun. The real difference between this toy and its predecessors is the fact that it incorporate both suction and vibration. You can use each sensate function separately or (gasp) combine them for ultimate power, which I was pretty excited about. I mean, it's only natural to wonder, right? Maybe you're using a suction toy for the first time, getting used to the sensation, it's pretty great, and you can't help but imagine the new suction feeling being combined with the vibration you know so well. It's the best of both worlds, the ultimate in clitoral overload, the cherry on top of decadence. And yet it was not to be. I found it really difficult to get off with this toy in dual-mode. Like, really difficult. Maybe that's just it -- the overwhelming overstimulation is desensitising. It might be the quality of the vibration (buzzy, three speeds, a few patterns), or the shape (see above); but I genuinely prefer the toy to remain just on suction mode. The vibrations don't work for me by themselves, yet both together is just overwhelming in the most underwhelming way. I guess I just wasn't up to wielding this mighty power.

This toy is a fun addition to a collection, but if you're looking for something that could be both a vibe and a suction toy, you might be better off accepting your fate and getting two separate external toys. This was a lot of fun to try, but unless you know that you enjoy surface-level, more buzzy vibrations, I wouldn't recommend investing in it for the vibration function. My advice? Rather get yourself a Satisfyer that focuses on the suction that made the brand famous. But hey, that's just me.

Thanks again to Satisfyer for providing us with this toy in exchange for an honest review! Check them out at the links below.

Website  ♡  Facebook  ♡  YouTube  ♡  Twitter

Featured: Caleb Hawley's 'Sex Tape' Album Review

A couple of weeks back I reviewed the most unusual 'item' I've done for Cara Sutra's Pleasure Panel so far -- an album specifically produced as a backtrack to sex. In  case you didn't know, the British sex toy retailer, Lovehoney, conducted a poll to gauge the average time spent couples spent on foreplay, intercourse, and resolution. This inspired musician Caleb Hawley to create a beautiful, sensual, synthy album specifically intended to provide a smooth grooving backdrop to some glorious intimate moments.

The genre is sort of a mix of ambient electronica and slow R&B, which I am normally not into but actually genuinely enjoyed with this album. Here's an excerpt from my review:

The tracks themselves are comprised of three covers and two originals, which is a pretty good balance of familiarity and novelty. The sweetness of the synthesizer adds enough grinding kind of sensuality to just be cheesy enough to be recognizably sensual and provide that steady climbing anticipation, yet the oomph of the bass lends a seriousness to the grinding beat that creates a sensually textured acoustic environment. The covers are “You Sexy Thing” by Hot Chocolate, “You Can Leave Your Hat On” by Randy Newman, and, my favourite, “You’re Still the One” by Shania Twain. They’re all pretty great, including the Hot Chocolate cover, which was never a song I particularly loved to start with. But Hawley’s version is slower, more thuddy, somehow feeling as if it pulsates rather than ringing out with the outright jubilation of the original. It feels subtle, quieter, yet still passionate and enthusiastic. Were you committed enough to have sex to this album, I think the tempo would provide gentle guidance through slow forplay, acting as a reminder to slow down and enjoy, to draw things out. Despite this, it does lead rather nicely into the “Sex Song” portion of the album (which is pretty self-explanatory). It involves a lot of breathy gasps and ascending, driving chorus acoustics that do a lot to set the mood.

Want to read more? You can check out the full review here. You can also stream the whole album (and watch the mesmerising visuals) right here on YouTube. Can you imagine having some sensual experiences along to this music?