The Gap in Body-Positivity

This week, we have a really personal post from Minerva. She's hoping to discuss what she feels is a blind spot in the body-positive community in case there are other people that feel the same way. While neither of us have the answers to these problems, we don't want anyone to feel alone.

This post has content warnings for weight, body image, and self esteem.

For a while I’ve been focusing a lot on the body-positive side of life. I’ve always harboured a mild (and sometimes not so mild) hatred for my body. I have very much of that fabled junk in my trunk, and it's been so since I was eleven years old. For many reasons, I started cutting out unhealthier media: diets, magazines, the pin-up models littering my timelines and Instagram pages. I even sacrificed a few of my favourite tattoo channels because of the pressure they placed on being different -- but in all the societally-accepted ways. They were all still airbrushed, thin, perfectly-cinched models all pushing their bosoms up at the camera, and it made me feel pretty shit about myself to look at what is considered ‘beautiful’ and come to terms with the idea that that is not me.

After much toil and a LOT of self-affirmation in front of mirrors and canvasses, I have finally learned to love my body for what it is and not for what it could be. I have learned to be happy in my lifestyle and look in the mirror and think "damn girl;" no matter what I’m doing.

I consider myself very lucky for that.

However, something else has been on my mind lately. I recently re-entered the open society in a job that takes me to work every day, instead of working from home on my own. And while I love it, it has opened up a huge can of proverbial worms. It has highlighted how removed from other people I have become. In my desperate search to be okay with myself in my solitude, it feels like I have forgotten how to connect with other people.

On a more personal level, I have been single for four years now, and counting. It’s been very hard, but I was never in a place to move on until the last year or so. And now I realise that that time it took to heal myself (even though I still don’t consider myself quite healed just yet), I have forgotten how to connect with people on that level either. In learning to love myself, I have forgotten how to trust someone else to love me too. I have zero ability to flirt, connect, or even just be interested in other people. Or, if I am, I have the immediate urge to quash it because of the seemingly-inevitable rejection that will follow -- and the hurt that comes with it. It's difficult to cope with the idea that one person could have the power to undo everything I have worked so hard for.

This got me thinking about a whole section of body positivity that I feel the community has ignored, or insists isn’t there because it bases itself on external validation, which is not what bopo is meant to be about. I was watching a TV show and one of the characters mentioned how the main character’s husband looked at her, and how they wished someone would look at them the same way. And I was struck by the sudden crushing realisation that I honestly, completely believe that nobody will ever (read: could ever) look at me like that. I was suddenly faced with the realisation that while I look at myself and have learned to love myself, I still cannot for the life of me imagine anyone else capable of loving me. I find myself preparing for immediate rejection, no matter where the possible interest comes from. And I find myself being rejected over and over again.

The thing with body positivity is that it leaves no room for the permanently single folk. It preaches satisfaction with oneself, and the bopo celebs shower positivity and jiggles and sunshine down upon you right before they dedicate posts to their significant others for being the rock in their lives. There’s very little about bopo-ness without that rock. About going it alone. About how to love yourself and be satisfied when you’ve experienced nothing but rejection in all things vaguely romantic. When it feels like the world is screaming at you over and over that you are not worthy of another’s romantic affections, it's hard to identify with a community that thrives on self-love. Roz the Diva occasionally speaks about this gap between feeling worthy and feeling loved, but she seems to be the only one.
 

HOW TO : FIX A BROKEN HEART 1) Have a dude tell you how wonderful you are, then ghost you. Unfortunately, repeat this process X 3. 2) Text Coach @geekgirlstrong that you have zero fucks left and you wanna lift a baby walrus worth of weight. Challange is accepted cause, like you, she's got zero fucks for men who can't use their words to communicate. 3) SET A NEW PERSONAL RECORD LIKE A BOSS and, in the key Bone Crusher, tell these morherfuckers you ain't neva scuuuurrrrd. *BONUS* repeat steps 2-3 with Formation on repeat

A post shared by Roz The Diva (@rozthediva) on Jun 12, 2017 at 5:36pm PDT

I have no doubts about my charms or ability to make friends with people. I am charismatic, I am beautiful in my own way, I am talented and interesting, and I reckon I’m even hilarious. But I can’t even conceive of a world where a guy (being a hetero, cis woman) looks at me and thinks "damn girl," like I do. I can’t even imagine a scenario where a guy actually would like to be with me. I get so nervous introducing a guy I like to friends because I know that he will like them more than he could ever like me. I steel myself every time I start to gain feelings, and shut them down as quickly as I can because I know he could never feel the same way as I do. Because who could, and why would they?

And that depresses me. All of this hard work and time spent telling myself I am worth it comes crashing down as I realise that I am still alone. My hard-won self-acceptance threatens to undo itself as I realise that I don’t believe this will ever change. I don't believe that what’s good enough for me is good enough for anyone else. Did I truly learn to love myself? Or did I just lower the bar until I fit?

And how on earth do I even begin to fix it?