What I've Been Reading

So I'm in the limbo between 'holiday' and 'post-university unemployment,' so I've been doing a lot of reading recently. While I've obviously read some fiction and unrelated stuff, I've been focusing on a number of new sexuality-themed e-books that are worthy of a brief review.

Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski

Widely billed as 'the book that will change your understanding of sex forever,' this is honestly one of the few that actually lives up to the claim. Normally, I don't like giving in to the hype -- guess it's just my antisocial, contrary nature -- but I started seeing so much positive press from people whose opinions I genuinely trust that I had to check it out. And I'm so glad I did.

Nagoski is a sex educator who easily breaks down some heavy scientific concepts into understandable chunks of data that are simple for non sex-nerds to grasp. Her use of geeky, relatable metaphor (the parts of the brain that mediate pleasure are like the One Ring to rule them all, your Feels are a sleepy hedgehog, desire is your brain and your genitals wandering around picking restaurants together) make the read entertaining as well as cognitively digestible. Her prose is friendly, engaging, humorous and generally wonderful -- just like her. Also, I watched her Tedx Talk and I want her to be my friend.

The book is aimed at cis women, although anyone who has a cis female partner would benefit from reading it as well. Nagoski interrogates why women seem to respond differently to sexual situations than men do, and how that doesn't mean that the way in which female desire works is less valuable or should be changed. The overwhelming message of the book is that everyone's experience of sexuality is normal because it is theirs; that everyone should stop trying to change how their desire functions and focus on how to work with it instead. It's simple. It's groundbreaking. You should read it. Right now.

I Am Not a Slut: Slut-Shaming in the Age of the Internet by Leora Tanenbaum

'Slut' is a dirty word that everyone knows. It's widely used by teenage girls and misogynists alike, and Tanenbaum made a name for herself with her previous book on the subject. This is an updated version of the same, which has been modernised to incorporate and interrogate the huge impact that social media and accessible technology has made in slut-shaming and slut-bashing.

The book argues that there are two types of slut -- the sexy, desirable 'good slut' which our cultural environments often pressure us into being in order to achieve social status and romantic attention, and the 'bad' slut. The 'bad slut' is the one who gets negative slutty attention (you know -- because the 'good sluts' get positive slutty attention, apparently). Tanenbaum's comprehensive research found that bad sluts are punished by society for not adhering to feminine norms, usually through vicious defamation and bullying both online and in person, and attempts to 'reclaim' or otherwise own the label generally turns out to be an overwhelming failure. With one exception, every girl who tried to own the label as a gesture of sex positive power had their lives affected negatively, as their surrounding context did not understand their feminist intent behind the word and treated them as regular bad sluts.

I enjoyed this book because this has never been a word I've identified with, and Tanenbaum made an excellent case which helped me concretise my thoughts on the term (although I still have some mixed feelings).

Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century by Barbara Carrellas

I decided to check this book out because I've been trying to incorporate more sensuality into my life, and Tantra has that sort of mystical quality about it that seems both magic and inaccessible. The title of the book led me to believe this was a sort of 'Tantra for n00bs' guide, meant for the average unenlightened suburb-dweller as opposed to a yogic, aura-seeing Reiki practitioner well-versed in harnessing cosmic power.

Carrellas focuses on bringing one's attention and energy into the physical moment, using a number of visualisation and meditation techniques, which she exemplifies with simple exercises you can do alone in your room (or in a group, I guess, but that's not me). Many of the exercises are simple, playful, and focus on grounding you in your body through the use of breath, vocalisation and movement. While I feel like I need a lot more practise before being able to move energy between my chakras and have what she calls 'blissgasms,' the movement- and breath-work described really does help to put you in a more meditative, calm state. I found that my grasp on time slipped a little, as my focus was on what was happening within my body. Which is pretty cool.

I'm still busy reading this book, and admittedly, I'm sceptical as to what will work for me -- Carrellas sets some intimidating goals for a spiritual beginner, and it's so outside of my realm of experience; but I'm trying things out according to my own pace. If it helps me establish a stronger connection to the sensual, I'll count it as a winner.