Not all reviews are positive. Sometimes, a product just might not work for you, or may be victim of a good idea executed badly. In some cases, products cause real pain. This is Minerva's most recent negative experience.
Hi there everyone. This is a PSA from your friendly neighbourhood test subject imploring you to make good choices and not do what I did. Behold my tale of woe.
So my partner and I recently found some intriguing lubricant. System JO Strawberry Oral Delight Arousal Gel comes in a small, discreetly-shaped tube and is accented with a pleasing pink tone. For some, this will be a downer, but K and I are pretty generic cishet girly-girls and we love that basic stuff. This particular little pump-action tube can sit pretty on your nightstand and nobody would ever see it. It looks almost like a sample bottle of perfume. Like many people, I’m a sucker for cute packaging, so first impressions were good.
Despite my positive initial reaction, I was a little dubious by the fact that it was marketing itself as an assistant for oral sex. You know, because oral sex needs assisting. Obviously. The tube even has a symbol saying “Make giving & receiving fun for everyone,” because it apparently isn't already. That single line should probably have been my first clue.
Nevertheless, I like tingly things and it also tasted pretty good, so what the hey.
Well. Turns out, absolutely not the hey. Not the hey at all. I didn’t even get far enough to use it with my partner; thank all the deities. I took a small pump of it -- barely a dot because it had been fairly strong on the tongue during the initial taste test. I massaged the gel around my favourite spots; and at first it was quite fine. Viscous, slippery, faint sweet smell, and a pleasant cooling sensation. It started off very nice and subtle.
But not for long. This stuff was definitely made by someone who hates vulvas and wants to see them suffer. As a mild disclaimer, I don’t have particularly sensitive skin so my anatomy is pretty happy with almost any sort of lubricating substance. I don't know which of the ingredients my body disagreed with, but this stuff was the worst thing I’ve ever introduced to my vulva. She didn’t particularly like the coconut oil-based lube, but that was because of convenience and personal preference. She hates this lube because it is sent directly from Satan himself to torture vulvas.
Mine didn’t stop burning for an hour. Well, burning and freezing. It was like having the driest of ice blocks trapped between my labia. I tried rubbing the gel off with wet wipes to no avail. I tried washing it off and that was slightly better, but in the end, I just had to sit and wait it out. I kept thinking how lucky I was that I didn’t have any tenderness or razor-rash down there. O_O
Anyway, I present this information to you, dear readers, in an effort to protect genitalia everywhere. System Jo Oral Delight Arousal Gel should never make it to your nightstand, and I'm not even the only one that thinks so.
Friendly neighbourhood test subject out.
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