Review: Lelo SmartWand Large

Swedish toy company Lelo is (was?) one of the top names in luxury sex toy brands, specialising in beautiful designs that are sleekly chic and refined. Their products are also unequivocally non-representational, which is totally my jam. This is both fitting and amusing because the company tries very hard to use a lot of euphemistic language and make everyone feel okay with life – it’s never a sex toy, it’s a “pleasure object.” And it’s generally used by people in suits, or so one would presume from their product ads. Some of their toys even come with accessories like brooches and cufflinks and tie-pins, so you can advertise your fancy sex-toys during your business meeting. Just because.

The SmartWand is Lelo’s answer to the wand-style “body massagers” (wink, wink) that are popular with – well, pretty much anybody. Wand massagers are far larger than standard clit vibes, and for good reason. They’re meant to pack a lot of power. In this case, size really is everything; it provides more space for extra machinery to do more magnificent things.

Following the trend of the Magic Wand, neé Hitachi, the large SmartWand actually does double as a body massager – but that’s just marketing spin. Its real purpose is for pleasure. I mean, look at it. It’s a chic piece of business, with its gentle curve and shiny handle-plate; it looks ergonomic and elegant and so, so stylish. Upon its release it was billed as the most powerful rechargeable wand vibe. Alas, I don’t feel this is quite true anymore – the iconic Magic Wand comes in cordless versions now too, but unless you’re serious about your power, the SmartWand will probably do just fine for you. It comes in two sizes – a smaller, more compact “medium” that is defs primarily for intimate use, and a behemoth that can actually be used as a back massager … if that’s your intention.

The SmartWand was actually my first vibe. I was sort of pressured into it by a partner who felt that it was important to make a really good investment into pleasure products, as opposed to getting the R300 bullet that I was originally considering. As it turns out, it was a good move – I’m fairly certain that a low-quality bullet that reputable stores wouldn’t even stock would have been an awful choice. “Go big or go home!” said partner kept urging as I dithered between the medium or large sizes, “You get back pain! Get the one that can do everything!” So, seduced by the gloriously sleek aesthetic of the SmartWand, I did.

Like the rest of Lelo’s “health” range, the SmartWand comes packaged in a pristine white box which has an image of a woman using her SmartWand on her upper back. Wow Lelo. Way to push the innocent back massager angle. We all know what this is really for, and how could you not? It just looks sensual, nestled in the protective foam inserts. Holding it is even better – the silicone coating is satin-soft to the touch, velvety, and immediately evokes the sense of luxury with its silver embellishments. Lelo claims that its silicone is lint-repellent, which is a bonus, and maybe that’s their secret to magic softness because I have honestly never touched anything quite so silky and stylish. It’s waterproof, rechargeable, comes with a sachet of “personal moisturiser” (water-based lube to the plebs), a warranty card, and a storage pouch.

The storage pouch was the only thing that gave me pause. It’s sort of like an envelope in shape, padded and black with a helix-shaped stitching pattern in purple. It also feels … sort of nasty. It’s kind of synthetic but also weirdly rubbery in texture, and initially smelled unpleasantly artificial. With time the scent dissipated, but those that take issue with their sex toys smelling like polyester nasty fresh from the storage pouch may want to find another method of storage. But like I said, mine is fine now.

The SmartWand has three buttons: +, -, and another sort of oval one in the centre that looks a bit like an eye. Or labia. Progressive. The buttons aren’t raised very much, so it can be a little difficult to keep track of them, but I guess that they were designed that way to minimise their impact on aesthetics? The SmartWand has eight vibration modes controlled by that centre eye-shaped button, ranging from a low, discreet rumble to a marginally terrifying, pulsating throb-buzz that is so rampant that the head of the wand blurs. Like, almost vibrates itself out of existence. In addition to this, the Smartwand also has eight (CHECK) vibration patterns that provide a great deal of variety. What I really liked about these was that you’re able to control the strength and intensity of these as well, rather than just being stuck with an unalterable preset. So that’s strong, rumbly vibrations with a great deal of variety, and some customisable vibration patterns for those that are into that sort of thing. So far, so good.

Then it all just takes a nose-dive with the “revolutionary” Sense Touch mode, which is basically a setting that causes the wand to VIBRATE LIKE CRAZY upon contact with skin. I’m presuming this is another facet of that whole “back massager” premise, because there is no way you can apply this function to any erotic body-part without feeling pain. If you love your clitoris, do not use Sense Touch mid-session. Or at least memorise how to turn it off, because I keep activating it by accident and forgetting how to make it all stop. So I’m just left breathing heavily while button-mashing until it all just goes away. Why, Lelo? You knew people wanted to use this as a clitoral vibrator. You knew, and you betrayed us all.

But if you manage to avoid this, the SmartWand is a great broad-stimulation clit vibe. The head is a little flexible, allowing for a wee bit of give; the vibration is heavy and intense and deep, almost enough to penetrate the tissue all the way through you. I don’t ever find myself holding the SmartWand by its ergonomic-looking handle, so perhaps it’s not as well-designed as it looks, but I prefer to keep my hand by the controls for convenience. This doesn’t bother me so much, because so much of the toy is a perfect fit for me. Not only does the large head cover a wide surface area really easily, but it provides different sensation when applied sort of vertically, like straight down as compared from the side, which is a nice additional bit of variety. I also feel like the potential for partnered play is very high with this toy. Due to the larger vibrational surface area, your partner can be fairly certain of making contact with the correct areas even incidentally and still doing a good job. The power and strength of the vibrations makes it easy to have resounding success just by vaguely waving the head around in approximately the right areas.

Cleaning up is very easy due to the waterproof nature of the product – and yeah, it is waterproof, despite the worryingly gaping appearance of the charging-port. A little soap and water, a pat-down and air dry and you’re done. 

Basically, I would recommend the SmartWand to anyone looking to invest in a quality luxury toy that provides a lot of power without the messiness of cords and plug-points to worry about. Those that prefer wider swathes of slightly indirect stimulation might enjoy it more than fans of laser-focused vibrations, but I do feel like a wand-style vibrator is a great addition to anyone’s repertoire of sex toys.

FYI

Although my first intimate products were by Lelo, the company has made a number of  grave marketing choices that compromise their professed 'feminist sex-toy company' agenda. It's important to be aware of these issues as they are counterintuitive to sex positivity. Companies that refuse to allow honest critique are undermining their own position in the industry, and compromising their own customers.