Round-Up: Best and Worst of 2018

It's been a great year for this little blog! We're still not heavy hitters in the blogging world, but in 2018 we diversified our reviews, added to our personal content, and joined a few affiliate partners for the very first time.

Therefore, it finally feels appropriate to do a round-up of what we've tried and loved in 2018, along with some stuff that just didn't work out. Let's lead with the good, shall we?

Stunners

Fun Factory Amor

Other than the Tango, this toy is my most-used of this year. I was initially a bit taken aback by its unexpected girth, but given some warm-up and a better choice of lubricant, this little insertable really grew on me. On my body, it provides very gentle G-spot stimulation but (surprisingly) is also wonderful for the A-spot as well. How? I have no idea! A-spotting toys need to be pretty lengthy, and this lil dil is not. But somehow it really works for me. The silicone is squishy and gentle on the body -- it's exactly the variety you need after owning a few more rigid insertables. A total fave.

MEO Ball Gag Berlin

This was one of the first items I tried from MEO, and it really lived up to expectations. It was everything I wanted in a gag -- solid silicone, sturdy construction, and a fancy all-black aesthetic. It also comes in different sizes! The medium is perfect for me as it allows for some good biting action without stretching my jaws uncomfortably wide. The silicone also provides a tiny bit of give so that I know my teeth won't be damaged (and yes, after spending a whole highschool career in braces, tooth safety is a big deal for me), and it just looks amazing when worn.

MEO Berlin Lockable Wrist Restraints

No bondage-babe's arsenal is complete without a set of restraints, and this glorious set of cuffs was just what I needed. These beauties are a wonderful investment piece -- padded enough for beginners just trying it out without wanting to compromise on comfort, with locking potential for seasoned kinksters looking for something a little more advanced. I love the multiple attachment points, the sturdy construction, and the sleek design. The only mild downside is that people with slim wrists may find it tricky to fasten them tightly enough, but srsly just oil them up and leave them on the tightest notch for a few days and it's fine.

Yoni Eggs Curved Obsidian Yoni Wand

This toy is beautiful! Even that alone is enough to make me sing its praises. However, it's also made out of volcanic rock that's meant to take bad vibes away, so it also makes me feel like a badass witch. Win-win! It features one bulbous end but either side could be used for extra variety, and offers excellent for G- and A-spot stimulation due to the rigidity of the material. I love its gentle curve and pretty velvet storage bag, and the fact that it comes from a wonderful Knysna-based retailer just makes me feel great about supporting local businesses. It looks like a work of art and I'm so happy to have it.

Satisfyer Pro G-Spot Rabbit

This was Minerva's stand out, number one toy of the year. She loves the variety it provides, combining internal and external rabbit-style stimulation with suction and vibration -- amaze! It's quiet, has 11 intensities for a nice gradual ramp-up in playtime, and the controls are dead simple to navigate. The construction is also vastly improved on previous models due to the redesign of the nozzle, which used to accidentally pop off and getting lost, and basically it was just a winner. Minerva's anatomy works with rabbits in general and this provided a great addition to her collection.


Unfortunately, with the highs come lows. However, there aren't many outright terrible products we've reviewed this year so the list is pretty short.

Bummers

System Jo Strawberry Oral Delight Arousal Gel

The only way I can possibly sum up this review is to hiss, Gollum-style, and scream IT BURNSSSS US! Seriously, Minerva hated the way this flavoured "arousal gel" napalmed her genitals, and I found evidence of other users experiencing the same thing. Don't get it! It's nasty and just not worth the risk.

Rocks-Off Love In Chains Kegel Balls

I started my review year off with this edgy-looking pelvic floor trainer, and it really made a bad impression. While I was a fan of the aesthetics, it just didn't translate very well in use. The silicone chin-links were pinchy and uncomfortable, the removal tag way too large, and it was impossible to properly clean. Not my vibe.

Satisfyer Pro Plus Vibration

I really debated adding this final item to the list, as it isn't necessarily a bad product -- it just didn't work for my body. Although we have another similar addition on the "Best" list, this particular line of Satisfyer toys was actually too overwhelming to work as intended for me. Combining the classic suction with generic vibration seems like a great idea, but it ended up just numbing me out in practise. I also found it super loud, which sort of put me off using it -- I have housemates and I don't really want them to be too intimately aware of my more personal routines.


And that's a wrap! What products from the list have you tried? Do you agree with our almighty judgement?

Review: MEO Short Rubber Strap with Walnut Handle

We’re reviewing something a little more on the edgy side this time – the eponymous Short Rubber Strap with Walnut Handle from MEO's HURTME range; an impact paddle with a flexible slapper that looks extremely challenging but offers surprising variety. As usual, we received the Short Rubber Strap in exchange for an honest and unbiased review. I am consistently satisfied by the quality of the products we’ve been fortunate enough to review, and would recommend them to anyone looking to step up their kink a notch. Just be aware that their site is NSFW, so ensure you’re on a safe network with no minors around when you check it out.

So, the reason I requested to review this item was to provide some variety to the fairly beginner-friendly impact goodies I’ve been investigating thus far. I liked the handle and thought the rubber would be interesting to try out. However, the time upon seeing this toy in person, my initial thought was “Ohhhh, that looks mean.” And it really does. Once you get past the appreciably-minimal packaging (a simple plastic sleeve, MEO-style), you’ll definitely be impressed by the construction. This impact toy has a beautiful walnut handle that is smooth, light, and solid in the hand, but it’s affixed to a thick slab of rubber that just looks slappy and really, really nasty. The rubber bit is smooth and featureless, with no sharp edges that might damage skin; but it’s flexible enough to provide a great deal of slap-back force with very little effort. I was concerned that I had been overambitious in my pursuits. What if I couldn’t handle it? It looks stingy. Do I like stingy things? I just don’t know!

Fortunately, I was overreacting. Turns out that this nasty boi can actually be surprisingly gentle. I love how the stylishly tapered handle feels in my palm – the wood retains a gentle warmth that’s lovely, even if the gentle weight of the handle makes it almost feel unbalanced in comparison to the heavy rubber portion. It’s all in the way you use it really. The rubber can be surprisingly forgiving: you can do gentle pats or good hard wallops; it just depends on the effect you’d like to have. I used this paddle on my thighs mostly, just because it’s the most accessible area for me, and I definitely found it to be more of a surface sting than a deep thud.

The flexibility of the rubber allows for more of a contact spread over the surface of the skin as opposed to having the direct energy transfer that more rigid and hefty tools may have. The primary pain-point is at the tip, so it will be less intense if you sort of hit closer to the centre of the paddle. Of course, this means that the paddle will curl around the impact zone, creating quite a cool wraparound effect on my thigh that provides a wider contact area and more diffused sensation. It’s actually kind of nice for inexperienced playing around if you’re cautious. Of course, if you go full-force and aim to make contact with the tip, it will sting – a lot! I was too nervous to really put my back into it, but I did get a few good whacks in and trust me – this is a MEAN implement when you want it to be. Nevertheless, it only hurts if you go for that, meaning that it can be a wonderful tool for both warm-up and more intense BDSM play.

As for cleaning and maintenance, the little care card provided by MEO was the same one used for their leather products, unfortunately; and there was no additional care instructions on the website. I did some Googling as to how best to maintain the rubber, and the most consistent advice was just to store it in a cool, dry place away from direct sun that may cause it to crack. As this is my first rubber toy, I would have liked a better idea of how to look after it, as my initial investigative forays into rubber products on the internet served only to tell me there’s different types and you can’t be sure what’s what. In any case, my accessory knowledge about the sex toy industry tells me that rubber is a porous material that can’t be sterilised. For this reason, I’d caution against allowing this toy to come into contact with body fluids and then be shared between people. Better to keep this as a one-person play item, just in case. If you’d like to read up on this, the best source I can find is Dangerous Lilly’s mega sex toy treasure trove of nerdy care tips, and I’d highly recommend taking a look even if it’s just for personal edification.

Overall, I really enjoyed trying out an impact toy with some real variety in terms of sensation. I love the construction, the appearance, and the effect – just wish it came with a little care-card so that I knew how to look after it better. Still, I would recommend this sturdy and fabulous paddle to some serious kinksters looking to add an implement with a bit of bite to their arsenal. As for the n00bs out there, maybe it would be better to start out with the lighter items we’ve reviewed, just to get into the swing of things. When you want to step it up a notch, this is your boi. 

Check out MEO at the links below (on a safe network with no kids around), and say hello to them on social media!

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Review: Curved Obsidian Yoni Wand

We’ve chatted to the wonderful Juliet from Yoni Eggs before, and even reviewed her flagship eggs. However, her store has recently expanded to include a range of yoni wands, which, like the eggs, are experiencing a contemporary revival. Companies like this are putting crystal wellness aids back into public awareness, and I’m extremely happy that we have an alternative locally available to the South African market. When Juliet contacted me about providing an honest review of one of the new wands, I jumped at the chance – Yoni Eggs has amazing products and service, and (most importantly, I believe) Juliet lives her personal truth through her work.

The wands are available in amethyst, rose quartz, obsidian, and adventurine. Mine is made from pure obsidian, which is a glassy substance is formed from cooling lava. Fun fact: the first time I heard about obsidian was in high school, when we studied Aztec and Inca history. They apparently used to make weapons out of it as the brittle nature makes a clean, sharp edge when broken. As far as I recall, our history teacher hyped up the sacrificial aspect of certain blades (hey, he knew his audience), so I have always held personal associations between obsidian rock and ritual. 

I chose the curved wand because it looked a little more ergonomic and shapelier for the body. The slender, elongated cone of the classic wand is aesthetically appealing and more ‘wandlike,’ but I wasn’t sure if the smooth and featureless taper would do anything for me. I mean, if you can get the same metaphysical healing benefits with an added G–spot curve, I’m willing to compromise on the slightly wandier aesthetic. And, to be honest, you just can’t fault this wand on prettiness. As soon as I ripped through the copious protective packaging and unsheathed it from the little velvet drawstring bag, I was in love. The wand is an impossibly smooth, deep, and glossy black. It’s truly beautiful and just looks therapeutic and flawless. I loved it the moment I saw it. 

Because it’s a natural product and made by hand, each wand will differ slightly. Mine is about 2.5 cms in diameter at the narrowest end, with a 3.5 cm bulb on the other side; a little over 17 cms at the furthest part of its gentle curve. Other wands may even vary in colouration, as the stone may have formed in different ways which can lead to changes in tone or even form patterns, which is also pretty cool. I love the way that this is a naturally-occurring object that may be like a million years old and was formed at the whims of the earth. Coincidentally, the shape is just as variable. Like the PureWand, you could use either side; which is really great if you like variety. I initially struggled with the similar diameter of the Amor so stuck to the side without the bulb for the most part, but I do appreciate that it is a versatile object.

First of all, you need to clean it. There’s been some debate about the long-term safety of crystal sex toys, but Juliet has built her business on the safety and therapeutic quality of these objects so let’s go with that. In any case, because obsidian is a glass, I would say that it’s less porous than other types of rock out there. Still, it’s a good idea to remove bacteria by soaking the wand in warm, salty water anointed with generous drops of tea-tree oil for twelve hours. After that, you can leave the stone to “charge” in sunlight for a few hours. This is basically to inject some good vibes and imbue them with energy. I realise this may be a bit esoteric for some readers, but hey, if you’re using a crystal sex toys you may as well go all out; and I planned on going all out.

One of the reasons I chose to review an obsidian wand was because I connected to its symbolic connotations. You can read more about it here, but it basically helps cleanse the body of negativity. Because it’s also associated with the sacral chakra (the seat of emotions, relationships, and sexual pleasure), the stone is mean to be particularly useful in releasing trauma. This was what sealed it for me – I've held so many unhealthy attitudes towards sexuality in my life, and this blog is one way that I try to overcome them. It is common knowledge in the sort of ‘spiritual/bodywork’ community that the hips are where intense emotions are stored by the body, so it seemed logical. At the time of writing, I’m also busy with my fourth (and final) egg donation and struggling with some depressive feelings partially caused by the hormones, so I’ll try anything that will help take away bad vibes.* You can read more about using yoni wands to assuage the physical effects of trauma here. 

Juliet suggests keeping it natural with coconut oil lube, which suits me just fine. Although the bulbed end is comparatively large, the incredible smoothness of the obsidian makes it fairly easy to insert, and it is amazing for those who enjoy intense G-spot stimulation. Unlike the PureWand, the rounded end of this yoni wand is a little more extreme, less tapered, while the actual body of the wand is straighter. I feel like this makes for a more user-friendly dildo experience, to be honest? The PureWand requires some wrangling to learn how to use, but the I think the less extreme nature of the curve would make the obsidian yoni wand slightly more intuitive for novices. It’s also just a really nice, comfortable girth as well, so you can use the other side for a super hassle-free pleasure experience that may be better for the therapeutic/meditative uses associated with obsidian. It’s also just really great for pleasure reasons -- the firm and focused pressure that this wand provides is excellent for internal stimulation. I also really loved how it hit my A-spot as well (not sure what that is? Check out A-spot affecionado Kate Sloan’s post). 

As for the therapeutic benefits of the stone, I prepared it by cleansing it as described above and tried to imbue it with some positive vibes. After allowing it to rest on my sternum for a little while, I felt like there was enough of a connection (and warmth!) to try it out. Perhaps it was because I’d built it up in my mind but it did feel like the wand was different to insertables I’ve used before. It almost felt energetic, in a sense. Hard to describe, but I haven’t felt that sensation with the PureWand or the Amor before. It almost felt as if there was an element of heat to the wand, but also it may just have been my mental perception of it during the first use. Literally the best way I can describe it is that it ‘felt’ energetic. I didn’t feel the intense ‘de-armouring’ emotions described on the website, but it kind of felt … raw? Not in terms of the impossibly glossy material of the wand, but … the energy itself? Tricky to explain, but I also felt a little bit achy the next day. It may have just been due to the hardness of the material, but the subsequent times I’ve used it haven’t felt quite the same. Maybe it was energetically cleansing me from within? Maybe I was just too enthusiastic. Either way, I'm kind of a fan of imbuing special items with ceremonial significance, and this wand makes me feel magical.

I love this beautiful toy and if you are an all-natural person who prefers a non-representational internal toy that looks like a work of art, you will love this range of yoni wands. Read more about Yoni Eggs products here, or just check them out at the links below! Their products are gorgeous, service is excellent (I even got a cute little note along with my parcel); and if you purchase anything through my affiliate link, it helps me out as well. 

*Don’t worry, I also made an appointment to see a counsellor! Stay safe bbs.

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Review: MEO Berlin Lockable Wrist Restraints

 

Do you enjoy being put in your place? Held comfortably? Both, but also with carabiners? I have a solution, dear reader. MEO was kind enough to send me their Black Berlin Lockable Wrist Restraints in exchange for an unbiased and honest review, and if you are interested in experimenting with restraints, I highly encourage you to check them out. In fact, take a look at the other MEO goodies we’ve reviewed so far – they're all pretty great. But this is about cuffs, and spoilers: I’ll be singing their praises.

First up, let’s talk appearance. As with all MEO products I’ve tried so far, these cuffs come minimally-packaged in a clear plastic sleeve and feature subtle branding (just a tiny little tag and the logo printed on the rivets). However, this time there is a velvety branded storage-bag included to sweeten the deal, which was a nice addition. The first thing that struck me about the restraints themselves was how amazingly padded they are. It’s amazing. Each cuff is comprised of a poofy inner section that wraps the wrists with a more rigid leather strip on the outside to provide a solid support for the metal hardware (and also stop you twisting out of the soft padded bits). The overall effect is that of sturdy, high-quality product that I’ve come to take for granted with MEO.

It’s so effective that you may be intimidated by the hardy construction of these bad boys. You might look them up and down and wish for a cute set of fuzzy handcuffs instead, or something that fastens with ribbons and bows. Bruh, I’ve been there. My first set of restraints were made from a PVC-type material decorated with cute diamantes and it actually did fasten with a satin ribbon. They were very pretty. They were also trash. Like, it was a good entry point, but the plastic-ey PVC material made me sweat and the resulting moisture made them slip and loosen, and the pretty bows came undone while the ribbon itself got messed-up and all skinny, making the bows look like shoelaces. If you just want to see if you’re even interested in experimenting with BDSM and bondage, it does make sense to get an affordable set. Nevertheless, they really can’t compare to these beauties in terms of structure, design, or comfort. 

Firstly, the padding on this MEO product means that they are a little bulkier than you may expect, but it’s worth it. It completely belies their slightly intimidating appearance because it means that there are no harsh edges and it just feels like a really firm pillow is curling its way around your arm. Practically cosy. The only downside of this is that their newness means they can require a little wrangling to close tightly. Because MEO’s target market is more on the male side, the restraints are fairly large and I need them on one of the tightest notches in order to properly grip my cis-girly wrists. Case in point: I took the accompanying photos myself so had to try fasten the cuff one-handed. It's on the third-smallest hole and could do with being one tighter even, but it's difficult to do so by myself. The double leather layers creates a little stiffness, which combined with the cushioned padding means that they’re a little difficult to fold. Fortunately, oiling the cuffs up with Dubbin, tightening them to the smallest hole possible, and just leaving them to settle in that position for a few days made all the difference in their ease of closure (because initially it really was impossible). Leather products soften with use, and I’m pretty sure that these will conform nicely to the shape of my wrists given enough time and opportunity.

The hardware is also incredibly practical, as the cuffs feature not one but three D-rings that serve as attachment points. This is particularly cool because it allows you multiple points of restraint to choose from. You could link the cuffs together using carabiners and still affix them to another point, easily, without extra fiddling; you could link cuffs to anklets in a hog-tie and then secure them to a four-piece bed if your house is decorated like a Hogwarts dorm-room; you could … well, you could be really imaginative, is what I’m saying. Remember the MEO ball gag we reviewed recently? Those O-ring attachment points? Yeah. Endless possibilities. 

Another excellent feature is the fact that these babies have a specially-designed buckle which allows you to use a padlock to lock your chosen one in. That's right -- ultimate restraint! This is only for practitioners looking for a more extreme thrill, or perhaps if you’re practising alone and looking into a little self-bondage (more on that in a future review...). Either way, it’s cool to have that function available, and it doesn’t alter the overall appearance of the cuffs in a noticeable fashion. The hardware remains streamlined and discreet – well, as discreet as leather wrist-cuffs can be, at any rate.

Basically, I love these things. They’re comfortable, strong, well-made, and will definitely keep me as restrained as I want to be for years to come (with proper care). Are there even any downsides? Well, I guess if you are a very petite person with really tiny wrists, purchasing a set of cuffs geared towards men might be a bad idea. I also had to buy my own carabiners, but like, that’s kind of splitting hairs. This is a really wonderful product, and I can’t emphasise how much I love the padding and the fact that there’s such enormous potential for variety and growth. Multiple attachment points! Padlocks! Comfy, nap-worthy wrist support! These may actually be the only cuffs you might need, but in any case, you can really grow into this set. I highly recommend the MEO Berlin Lockable Wrist Restraints to budding and experienced bondage practitioners alike.

Like what you see? Hit MEO up at the links below! Do remember that the site is NSFW though, so make sure nobody is peeping over your shoulder.

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Everything I Remember

This is based on the article of the same title by Jessica Shortall and I'd encourage readers to check hers out before reading mine. In the current media climate, it feels important to share stories.

Content warning for both pieces: abuse.

* 

When I was fourteen, my sister and our friends were playing a game (it involved our thumbs getting married -- we were kids) when we found an older boy messing around in the stream at the bottom of our property. The boy came up to us and told me he was looking for a girlfriend, tried to start up a conversation, asked us for juice. Our dog started barking aggressively -- he was a big dog and very protective, and we were four girls all alone with some stranger. We tried to control the dog because it was "rude." All we wanted was for the boy to go away, but we also didn't want him to feel uncomfortable. Eventually, we left our game and went inside. I told my friends at school and they admonished me for not agreeing to be his girlfriend.

When I was sixteen, I was being driven home from school by a family member who did lift club with a bunch of different kids. On that particular day, her son was riding in the front while I sat in the back with two other boys. When the car pulled up to my house, I moved to hug both boys to say goodbye -- a pretty standard highschool greeting. Because I was seated at the left window, I had to lean over the middle boy to get to the boy on the right. The boy on the right took advantage of my lean and put a hand on the back of my head to slam it down into the middle boy's lap. He was uncomfortable. When I told my mom about it, she laughed.

When I was seventeen, the boy I had a crush on and one of our mutual friends started making fun of my breast size in front of me. I was more busty than others in my friend group. The two boys pointed out my "rack" and giggled. I pretended not to know what they were talking about.

I also started dating for the first time. I didn't feel able to tell the boy that I wasn't interested in being physical, so just put up with it.

When I was nineteen, I helped an ex-boyfriend's family move. There was a thirty-two-year-old man there that I hadn't met before. He asked if there was anything between my ex and I. He asked me out.

When I was twenty-one, I started dating my abuser. He admitted he'd been accused of rape before, but said the women had gotten the wrong idea and explained what had really happened in each situation. I believed him. He abused me.

When I was twenty-three, I began dating a very caring, very sweet boyfriend who repeatedly ignored verbalised physical boundaries ("I'm not in the mood for X but we can do Y"). Once, after doing exactly what I asked him not to, he turned over and said, "You didn't really seem into that."

When I was twenty-four, I won a trip to the States. I've never encountered so much street harassment under the guise of friendliness (I met a lot of very friendly men. No friendly women, oddly enough). It was winter and snowing hard. One day I was wearing a long coat that covered my knees, jeans, tall boots, a fluffy hat; and a scarf would around my shoulders and face. My nose and mouth were covered but my eyes were free. A man stopped me to tell me that I was beautiful and intelligent, and that I should go to a club with him.

On the same trip, I was leaving a museum when a man asked if I was there for an event that was taking place. I said no, and told him to have a nice day (a polite way of indicating that the conversation was over). I walked down the sloping stone steps at the entrance, down to the crossing area, waited for the light, crossed the road. I'd begun walking down the street when I was stopped by the same man, inviting me to have coffee. He'd followed me all the way from the museum foyer.

But the worst was a pickup artist I met on the way to a comedy club. He asked for directions and swiftly changed tack, asking me about my unfamiliar accent, if I was a student, talking about how he'd just moved to the city as well. He kept making strange overexcited shrieking noises, like a pterodactyl. I thought he was an overblown caricature of a twink and felt him odd but harmless. He kept holding my pinkie, promise style, and swinging my hand around. I said I would have coffee with him and gave him my email address. His message to me was very suspicious so I Googled his name and found a dating profile that led me to his website, where he posted pictures of the girls he'd had sex with and described his pickup plays. One of them was to initiate non-threatening touch to assess how comfortable a girl was with being touched by strangers. His favourite trick was to link pinkies.

When I was twenty-five, I began dating a bearish man. He told me that he was thinking of taking up some kind of martial arts to protect me. When I laughed, he said "Do you know how many people look at you? I've seen you get followed around stores."

When I was twenty-six, I was staying with a friend's wedding party in a beautiful apartment after she got hitched. It was the married couple, a male friend, a female friend, and me. The male friend kept flirting with me harmlessly during the stay, but I didn't take it seriously until he tried to make a pass the night before I left. I went to my room and locked the door and he came to apologise. When I opened up, he tried to get into my room and touched my butt. I pushed him out, slammed and locked the door. He pounded on it, calling and begging to be let in, until the bride made him go back to his own room. Before I left the next morning, he secretly put money in my backpack.

When I was twenty-eight, a group of boys catcalled through the school fence despite my partner being with me. We didn't know what to do.

*

And these are just the ones I remember.

Review: MEO Pocket Slapper

As regular readers are aware, we're trying to expand our review repertoire and improve the diversity of what we post by branching out into some BDSM-friendly implements. Also, perhaps we're just a wee bit kinky. Nevertheless, I'm still a bit of a wuss when it comes to impact play. Wooden paddles look too rigid and intimidating for my tender, unconditioned butt; yet I'm interested in exploring. Fortunately, the team at MEO sent me a glorious box of fun containing a variety of really excellent hitty things, including a great starter toy -- their Pocket Slapper (this link is NSFW so exercise caution).

As the name suggests, this little guy is small enough to be casually slipped into the back pocket of a pair of jeans and this renders it more adorable than terrifying. More like a pomeranian than a pit-bull, which suits me fine as I am a sucker for cute things. As a novice, the diminutive size and flexible construction of this impact tool seemed more approachable than an unforgiving wooden paddle, and I was correct. This toy provides just enough sting to be noticed, but I've never actually felt hurt by it. The surface area is too large to provide a whipping sting like our recently-reviewed Dragon Tail, but not large enough to really thwack down with power and might. Or perhaps that's just because I've been wielding it with a lighter hand?

After all, I've mostly been using it for the percussive effect. Kinkly defines a slapper as "provid[ing] a sensation similar to those of paddles, but with a little extra 'slap' from the second layer of leather." Indeed, the MEO Pocket Slapper has an extra layer of leather which creates a disproportionately loud whacking noise, even for a gentle swat. This can really mess with your head as the sound may make you jump despite the sensation being manageable, which could be a lot of fun. The added drama of the noise provides some shock value, potentially tricking your partner into believing that they are taking harder slaps than they really are, and my tender and unbruised butt is a fan of such devious misdirection. Other than the feeling of accomplishment this may provide, it also means that this would be a wonderful tool for beginners who want to explore some low-risk impact without missing out on the psychological effects. The only potentially negative implication of this is that it does mean that this toy gets a bit noisy at times, so if you have housemates or live in an apartment with thin walls, it might be a good idea to put on some ambient tunes to act as white noise.

I'm super happy with this great little tool. The construction and materials can't be faulted -- the leather is thick and sturdy, featuring a loop for easy hanging storage and a tiny red tag depicting the MEO branding on the non-impact side. It's minimalist, and I like it. Even the packaging is low-key -- a simple plastic sleeve and a small pamphlet about caring for leather. An occasional wipe with a damp soapy cloth and some semi-regular conditioning (I use plan ol' Dubbin) will make this toy last years; if not indefinitely. I almost wish I could say more, but like ... there's nothing wrong with this handy little slapper and I have no constructive criticism. It just does its job.

Is this slapper for you? As a beginner, I would wholeheartedly recommend it as an excellent entry-point for fellow lightweights looking to explore. It also helped reassure me: hey, impact stuff isn't so bad! I actually feel like I might be emotionally ready to level up from this little guy. But hey, even if you're a more experienced practitioner, you may find the Pocket Slapper handy for smaller, targeted areas on the body, or perhaps as a warm-up tool before switching out to something more intense. Either way, I think this toy has some great potential for a variety of skill levels.

Thanks again to MEO for working with me and sending me such a great selection of goodies! I loved their service as well as their toys, and would highly recommend taking a look at their stock. As always, be certain that you're on a safe network away from the eyes of minors before checking out the MEO website as it can be quite explicit. When you can, you should check out what other BDSM delights they have to offer and say hi on social media -- they are a wonderful team of humans.

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Review: Tantus Dragon Tail

I mentioned in a previous review that Minerva and I are looking to expand our toy-testing repertoire with more BDSM implements, and with this in mind, I present to you our first impact toy, the Dragon Tail by Tantus! This female-founded company is well-known for providing quality, body-safe silicone toys in a wide variety of fabulous colours (including copper -- wow!), and have some pretty fab customer service. Beaux, their social media manager, was kind enough to hook me up with this toy in exchange for an honest and unbiased review, and I am stoked that they did because I love this little slapper.

I'm new to impact play, but even so, I'm aware that silicone is one of the most hygienic materials to use for any physical play. Unlike leather, it won't get water-damaged and is easy to clean with a mild soap. You can even sterilise it using boiling water or a soak in 10% bleach solution. Why is this important? Well, like anything, the surface of the skin is rife with bacteria. This is normally not a problem -- that is, until you start sharing. If you're pretty active in the BDSM community and enjoy engaging in impact activities with a bunch of people, it's a good idea to clean your toys between each use. Scabies, athlete's foot, ring worm, even herpes simplex can be transferred by skin contact; and while that is unlikely, you don't want your play to be restricted.

In addition to all of the above, silicone is also vegan, so that's a win in my book.

As for me, I've never tried any form of paddle before. Truthfully, I was not prepared for the stinging bite this little guy packs. The first time I gave myself a cautious hit it was through a pair of thin cotton leggings -- not exactly sturdy, but hey, it wasn't bare skin. Even a cautious whip left a burning afterglow on my thigh, and I didn't even put my whole arm into the swing. The flexible silicone means that the slim tip of the Dragon Tail rockets through space much faster than you would expect, which accelerates much faster than you bring it down. This creates a frighteningly stingy impact that could definitely leave a welt or two if you really got into it. Skilled practitioners could really use the point for some seriously targeted pain, hitting small, pinpoint areas with fiery precision. Or you could just, you know, slap the whole thing on someone's body, which works too. A broader stroke feels less stingy as the impact is spread out over a larger surface area, but you will definitely feel that simmering, stinging sensation that I've become familiar with when using this toy. Beware the pointed tip -- it reaches truly dangerous whiplike speeds and can be very painful. Play safe, friends!

So far I've really enjoyed the sensation it provides when making contact with the upper back , butt, and thighs. This toy is easy to use by yourself thanks to the long handle and flexible point, which provides a good whack even with limited room to swing. I feel like this could be great for people who are disabled or otherwise have limited mobility, as the effort required is pretty minimal in comparison to, say, swinging a wooden impact toy. As with all impact play, avoid delicate areas such as the face, hands, and neck; but the usual encouragement to shy away from direct hits on bones isn't so necessary in this case. Because it's not rigid like wood or stiff like leather, it's a bit more forgiving and limits the harshness of the thud.

But sometimes I don't always like stingy slaps, I metaphorically hear you cry. Do not despair, dear reader! You can just flip the toy pointy-end down and beat your chosen subject with the handle! It's probably not intended for use that way, but I'm too punk-rock for rules. Using the handle like a truncheon creates a really solid, thwacky thud that could probably leave some cute little pinpoint bruises if you really went to town, and I kind of like that you could use it both ways. Surprise your partner and mix up the sensations without even needing to switch toys. I can imagine that a blindfold would really make this little trick effective, especially if you enjoy the element of surprise. Just imagine the possibilities!

For those that enjoy even more surprise, I have to let you know that the handle of this toy is also safe for anal play. The body-safe silicone is easy to sterilise and clean (although the hole at the end meant to incorporate a loop for easy hanging is discomforting -- I feel the cons outweigh the pros in this case), allowing the pointy end to protrude from the body like a real tail. If you're into comedy, the flexible silicone of the triangular end would additionally allow for some amusing self-spanking to occur with an enthusiastic butt-wiggle or two. And hey, who doesn't enjoy butt wiggles? Fascists, that's who.

Basically, this is an incredibly versatile tool to have in your arsenal, whether you're an experienced practitioner in impact play or a novice just trying it out. This toy is stingy and thuddy, insertable or not; it's great for those that play with multiple people because it can easily be sterilised between partners, and it's flexible enough to be folded up and shoved into a jacket pocket for surreptitious transportation. What's not to love? Personally, I'm very happy to have been able to start exploring impact play with this cute little implement, and I would highly recommend it as part of any curious beginner's BDSM starter-kit. It's also packaged in a minimalist-chic clear plastic sleeve, so you're not even paying extra for fancy wrappers you'll probaby end up discarding anyway.

Like what you see? Check out Tantus and the rest of their impact range! Or just say hi on social media; they're nice.

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Story Time: Hormonal Changes During Egg Donation

I'm leading up to my fourth egg donation, and each time has been different. Donation is a stressful process; your body is full of artificial hormones meant to kick your ovaries into hyperdrive and you need to go through a pretty invasive procedure, which can be very upsetting. It definitely was for me -- you can read more abut my first donation here, but a general summary is that the personal situation I was in was not the best. I had a very serious partner who supported my bodily autonomy but did not understand why I would donate eggs yet not want children myself. He badly wanted children and the donation brought the incompatibility within our relationship to the forefront. It ended shortly afterwards, as it would have eventually, only sooner.

Since then, I have done two additional donations and have a third scheduled near the end of the year. South African law allows donors to donate seven times in total between the ages of 18-33. I'm almost 30 and would have liked to donate to my fullest capability while I am still eligible, but I'm starting to re-evaluate that. I have, however, tried as best as I can to donate to LGTBI+ recipients as much as possible. My first donation was to a heterosexual couple; the second was the very first instalment in an egg bank which may have multiple recipients. The third and upcoming fourth donation recipients have been in same-sex relationships, and I really, really want to maintain this as much as possible.

My reasoning behind this is due to simple allyship. I'm a pretty basic cishet girl. Although I would love to be more involved in the LGTBI+ community, the circles I run in are just too ... straight. As I like to say to Minerva, "I have sunned myself in the gay beaches and dipped my toes in the gay ocean, but have never swum in the gay seas."

This, to me, is a way to make a meaningful difference to someone's life. By prioritising recipients on the queer spectrum, I can make that difference in such a lasting and meaningful way. I can finally achieve my goal of subverting the heteronormitive patriarchy with my uterus. My genetic offspring could have the rainbow-friendly childhood I would have wanted for myself.

Despite all this, it's still a massive ordeal. Here's a crash course of Weird Stuff Your Body Does During Fertility Treatment.

• Brain fog. This was the most annoying thing about being on the drugs. I would inject and feel hazy/spacey for a few hours afterwards. This was often accompanied by:
• Jitters. I'd feel sort of hollow and anxious, a little clattery. It wasn't anything noticeable in terms of tics; my heart-rate just seemed higher and I would feel shaky. This and the brain fog would feel a lot worse after my usual brisk walk on the treadmill, and would often be alleviated after I had a meal. Even the mental effects seemed more manageable after getting some carbs into my system. I blame my snacking on the hormones.
• Crying. My emotions were turned way up. I cried when a sex toy I had ordered for my birthday arrived one day late. I cried when I couldn't find my preferred snacks in stock. At one point, I had a pretty normal interaction with my partner and somehow became convinced he was about to break up with me. My housemate had to sit me down and say, kindly, "There is no feminist way of saying this, but your emotions are not real."
• Bloating. At the end of hormone treatment, your ovaries are roughly the size of oranges. No joke. I enjoy asking the doctors how big they are during the scans (a golfball! a nectarine!), which may be a touch body horror for some people. Even taking this into account, you retain a bunch of water. I don't know if any of it is actual fat gain, but you just generally feel larger.
• Weird abdominal pains. You have giant ovaries now. This is your lot in life.
• Hair loss. I experienced something similar with the Mirena IUD. Now I've lost about a third of my hair. It bothers me more than I'd like to admit, although the doctor says it should recover.
• One absolutely rampant experience with diarrhoea. This happened with my first donation and fortunately not again. However, I am committed to following the trend of attributing it all to the hormones.
• Your post-donation period is messy. I left a literal trail to the bathroom one morning.
• General low-key trauma. While consensual, it's an unpleasant experience.

Despite this, it's not all doom and gloom! There are some rad pros that come with hormone therapy:

• The Glow. Ah, the fabled Glow of ovulating or pregnant women. The hormones that indicate to those around you, hey, I am fertile and magnificent. I did not notice The Glow, but my housemate made the connection. He just said that he'd caught himself noticing my skin had been looking particularly rad before he'd thought to ask how long I'd been on the juice. This was corroborated by a few of my friends and I choose to accept it.
• That is all. Just The Glow.
• You are a shining beacon of fecundity and oestrogen. You are mesmerising. Pro tip: weaponise The Glow to lead unsuspecting sailors to their deaths. Your siren-call of hormonal glory cannot be ignored.

Does anyone else have any strange experiences after fertility treatment? Any cases of medical professionals not being aware of the side effects? Tell me your tales of woe.

Review: MEO Ball Gag Berlin

This is a bit of a departure from what we usually review, but Minerva and I have both been exploring recently and have decided to branch out into some more kink-friendly accessories and toys! This is pretty exciting for both of us, and I'm hoping out readers will enjoy a wider range of review items as well.

First up is the Ball Gag Berlin in black from the team at MEO; a wonderful group of people to do business with. Just a word of warning, their site is decidedly not safe for work, but if you are interested in kinky gear you should definitely check them out when connected to a reliable network. Even though their target demographic is homosexual men, they were kind enough to ship me, a generic cishet lass, a box of high-quality bondage gear in exchange for the usual unbiased review. I loved engaging with them and found that they answered all my questions, shipped using an unmarked box for ultimate discretion, and provided me with a tracking number. I only wish our damaged postal system lived up to the MEO standard, or I would have published this review ages ago.

One of the reasons I was so interested in a ball gag (y'know, outside of its intended context) is the fact that I tend to grind my teeth. A lot. I clench my jaw and scrape my molars together to the point that the surface area of my teeth gets slowly worn away, and this seems to happen most frequently in … amorous moments. Perhaps it's exacerbated when I'm distracted or my mind is otherwise occupied with other things. In any case, it's uncomfortable and I seem to have very little control over it -- even when I think I'm relaxing my jaw.

Consequently, of the qualities I was looking for in a product like this was a solid silicone ball. Some products are made from hard plastic, which might be uncomfortable to bite on, and others listed the material as "rubber," which is a bit ambiguous in terms of sterilisation. Silicone seemed to be the way forward because of the non-porous nature of the material, and I prefer the look of the solid ball as opposed to the kind with breathing holes. Silicone just seems like a more durable and biteable material for me, but it was difficult to find a really good-quality product that met my materials specifications while also looking good.

So when I saw that MEO stocks a really awesome solid silicone ball gag made with quality materials straight out of my dreams, I fell in love. This gag has the ball fixed to a rod with no risk of rotation, O-rings on either side in a bridle-style arrangement (handy if you want to attach things to the gag to fix the person in place) and is made from silicone, steel, and leather. It is available in three different diameters – 40mm, 45mm, and 50mm; with the strap lengths sizing up proportionately as well. It also comes in red version, although I prefer an all-black aesthetic. What more could you ask for?

MEO's packaging is pretty minimalist, which is great as it keeps costs down. The Ball Gag Berlin comes in a nondescript clear plastic bag with the product label attached, and a brief primer to Safe, Sane, Consensual Kink for the uninitiated. I got the medium 45mm-sized ball, but upon receiving it, I admit to feeling a little concerned that it would be too large. Ball gags are kind of meant to be slightly uncomfortable, forcing the user's mouth open and holding it there, impeding their ability to speak. A too-small gag would be a touch comfortable to really do its job, but I've been told by dentists that I have a smaller than average 'bite,' meaning that my jaw does not open quite as widely as average. Despite the misgivings, the gag is perfect for me – not too small as to be ineffectual, but not overwhelming either. It's just the right size for my jaw and definitely does its job. The rounded shape of the sphere restricts the movement of your tongue and almost entirely eliminates speech. Sure, you could probably make some garbled sounds if you really tried, but it would be more like whale-noises than actual words.

This brings us to the serious bit. When using this gag with a partner, it's very, very important to establish a safe signal that will indicate distress or ask for a check-in without needing to use words. This could be anything from a series of short, repetitive sounds that would be out of the ordinary for such an encounter (even if it's just mmnf-mmnf-mmnf), repeated taps on your partner's body, or snapping your fingers. Heck, even jazz hands are acceptable as long as they get attention. Make sure to agree on a signal beforehand just so that everyone is in the know, but I'm fairly certain that your partner will stop to ask if all is well when you start clicking your fingers a la Addams Family during an intimate encounter. Unless, of course, that is a regular part of your sex life, in which case we need to hang out.

Another minor safety concern is breathing. From my limited gag experience, I would encourage users with breathing conditions related to asthma, anxiety, illness, or basic allergies to exercise caution when using such products. A combination of a blocked nose and an overproduction of saliva means that you might panic and get into a bad situation. As mentioned earlier, some 'beginner' ball gags have breathing holes to mitigate problems such as these, so if you struggle with any conditions that may impact your breath control, it might be a good idea to take that into account. Be safe, babes!

If you choose to go for a solid silicone gag, this particular one is constructed in a very sturdy fashion -- no loose bits, fraying edges, or dodgy stitching. It's perfectly finished and the leather is thin enough to be really supple and comfy. You can clean it with a wipe-down from a very mild soap using a soft cloth, maintaining it with a leather-conditioning product semi-regularly to prevent cracking. The silicone and metal parts can be cleaned with regular soap and water to remove any saliva, but just be careful to not oversaturate the leather.

As for wear, it's easy to buckle the strap at the nape of your neck, but it may serve you to allow for a slight amount of movement -- unless you kind of enjoy being a tiny bit uncomfortable. If the strap is tight, you may not be able to raise or lower your head, so it will be stuck in the same position for a while. If it's too loose, you can almost spit the gag out. Perhaps best to err on the side of caution for newbies then? I find that I like a bit of play in the strap length so that I can pull it back against my molars for really biting down, even though this means the metal rod puts pressure on the corners of my mouth; or push it forward to the front of my mouth with my tongue if I feel like it. Also, wearers with long hair will probably find that it tugs a bit around the buckle. There's no sure-fire way around that, but you can put your hair up in a bun during wear and remove the gag with caution to minimise pulls.

Once you've made suitably flamboyant accommodations for safety (I vote for safety-oriented jazz hands), you're free to enjoy the product as you please. Kinky BDSM encounters? Check. Roleplay? Check. Just plain shhh, we have to be quiet this time? Uh, check. If you've ever been curious about trying a ball gag, I would definitely recommend the MEO Ball Gag Berlin -- it's pretty much the perfect fit for me.

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Review: System JO Strawberry Oral Delight Arousal Gel

 

Not all reviews are positive. Sometimes, a product just might not work for you, or may be victim of a good idea executed badly. In some cases, products cause real pain. This is Minerva's most recent negative experience.

Hi there everyone. This is a PSA from your friendly neighbourhood test subject imploring you to make good choices and not do what I did. Behold my tale of woe.

 

So my partner and I recently found some intriguing lubricant. System JO Strawberry Oral Delight Arousal Gel comes in a small, discreetly-shaped tube and is accented with a pleasing pink tone. For some, this will be a downer, but K and I are pretty generic cishet girly-girls and we love that basic stuff. This particular little pump-action tube can sit pretty on your nightstand and nobody would ever see it. It looks almost like a sample bottle of perfume. Like many people, I’m a sucker for cute packaging, so first impressions were good. 

 

Despite my positive initial reaction, I was a little dubious by the fact that it was marketing itself as an assistant for oral sex. You know, because oral sex needs assisting. Obviously. The tube even has a symbol saying “Make giving & receiving fun for everyone,” because it apparently isn't already. That single line should probably have been my first clue. 

 

Nevertheless, I like tingly things and it also tasted pretty good, so what the hey.

 

Well. Turns out, absolutely not the hey. Not the hey at all. I didn’t even get far enough to use it with my partner; thank all the deities. I took a small pump of it -- barely a dot because it had been fairly strong on the tongue during the initial taste test. I massaged the gel around my favourite spots; and at first it was quite fine. Viscous, slippery, faint sweet smell, and a pleasant cooling sensation. It started off very nice and subtle. 

 

But not for long. This stuff was definitely made by someone who hates vulvas and wants to see them suffer. As a mild disclaimer, I don’t have particularly sensitive skin so my anatomy is pretty happy with almost any sort of lubricating substance. I don't know which of the ingredients my body disagreed with, but this stuff was the worst thing I’ve ever introduced to my vulva. She didn’t particularly like the coconut oil-based lube, but that was because of convenience and personal preference. She hates this lube because it is sent directly from Satan himself to torture vulvas.

 

Mine didn’t stop burning for an hour. Well, burning and freezing. It was like having the driest of ice blocks trapped between my labia. I tried rubbing the gel off with wet wipes to no avail. I tried washing it off and that was slightly better, but in the end, I just had to sit and wait it out. I kept thinking how lucky I was that I didn’t have any tenderness or razor-rash down there. O_O 

Anyway, I present this information to you, dear readers, in an effort to protect genitalia everywhere. System Jo Oral Delight Arousal Gel should never make it to your nightstand, and I'm not even the only one that thinks so.

 

Friendly neighbourhood test subject out.